wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”