Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.