Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*