Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.