Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
the icebreaker
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.