wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You Might Also Like
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
But I really needed water water water
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.