Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive