WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I’m putting together a team
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.