wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned