Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
that de-escalated quickly
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
for all #parents out there
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting