wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.