@Brampersandon_

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

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@notfaizzy

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

@DontTouchMyWine

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

@jordan_stratton

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

@samiam604

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

@AudreyPorne

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

@iheartgunts

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”