WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.