wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
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I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*