wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
For anyone who needs this today
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
so, is there a mister shapen head
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.