Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
stop
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one