Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
You Might Also Like
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.