Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!
Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude