WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
moms in horror movies
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?