wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Worth a try
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.