wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.