Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
relationship goals
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse