Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.