WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Erm…
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Finally, an explanation.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits