Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
He just like my cat fr
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
can’t talk my ride’s here
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.