Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!