@ilovepie84

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

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@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

@donniepeeler

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@BradBroaddus

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

@alucardsdream

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

@illuminatedwndr

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

@Fun_Beard

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

@ClassicMegan

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.