Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.


1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.


My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.


If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.


“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well


Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.


If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.