Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.