Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My plans: 2020:
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]