Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise


Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide


Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.


I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.


Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”


First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face


i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever


[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way


He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.