@FloodyHippie I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
@thedad Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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@FloodyHippie 
@markedly What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
@ScottLinnen Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
@sixthformpoet Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
@kryzazzy I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
@velcrofannypack Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
@JPLFR80 First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
@tarashoe i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
@DamonHunzeker He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.