@AddledPixie I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
@adult_keverage Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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@AddledPixie 
@R_A_Dadass My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
@Reverend_Scott Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
@Reverend_Scott Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
@TheeSkinBoss Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
@KirstenCatClub My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
@DirtMcTurd I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
@Discourt My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
@CornOnTheGoblin GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
@ThisOneSayz Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.