Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Strange
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.