Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.


My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.


Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.


Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.


Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines


My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.


I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes


My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.