Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes