WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed