Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.