Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil