Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.