Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I have so many questions.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Ah..makes sense now
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Same post same
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be