Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.