wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Flowers bee like
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic