Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”