wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!