WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head