Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.