WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When he asks for feet pics
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight