Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.