wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Breaking news:
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication