wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
This is a bad sign
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If looks could kill
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)