wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs