wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.


Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.


Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.


The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.


I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join


Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”


Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”


Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.