wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.