Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*