*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.