Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: