Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
kitchen magnet
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism