Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
What if death gives you lemons?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.