[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Lmfao
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”