WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.