Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
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*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming